Fully Qualified Parent
©Jan Andersen 2001
*In Memory of Kristian Mikhail Andersen
22 March 1982 -1 November 2002
Most professions require a certain level of training, if not formal qualifications and yet the most important and difficult role that many people will perform during their lifetime is that of being a parent, a job that does not call for any specific criterion or prior training course. Personally, I find that frightening, particularly when a precious life is in your hands.
The first time that I had ever held a newborn was the day that my baby son was placed into my arms on 22 March 1982. When I thought about the number of immobile vases that I had dropped and broken, the thought of being responsible for the safety of a live, wriggling baby was quite alarming. Babies couldn't be repaired with superglue, nor did they sit quietly on the windowsill whilst you got on with your life.
When I first arrived home from hospital, I stared at my baby son in his crib and cried. Nobody warns you about how hormonal changes can turn you into a gibbering, paranoid wreck. This helpless little person's survival was totally dependant on me, Miss Clumsy, who was prone to bouts of absentmindedness, who needed at least one uninterrupted hour to get ready in the mornings and who couldn't function on less than 10 hours sleep a night.
Of course, my *son did live and is now a strapping 20-year-old, along with my 16-year-old daughter, 14-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter. Nothing like on-the-job training to whip you into shape.
As a fully-fledged mother, I would like to impart my knowledge to anyone contemplating parenthood and have devised the following training course accordingly.
The Jan Andersen Training Course For Parents-to-Be
What the course involves:
·
Taking away 99% of your salary. The remaining 1% is what you have left to buy food and essential household items, pay the bills and enjoy your leisure time
·Walking around for nine months with a sack containing a small kangaroo strapped to your abdomen. After nine months, remove the kangaroo from the sack and replace with an enormous lump of lard
·Having vomit, diahorrea, milk and mucus tossed and wiped over your clean clothes at regular intervals
·Sleep deprivation, which includes pacing the floor at one, two, three, four and five in the morning with a sand bag strapped to your chest, whilst listening to the sound of relentless screaming
·Wearing clothes that have been soaked in sour milk
·Having a leaking urine bag placed in your lap several times a day
·Attaching a vacuum cleaner nozzle onto your nipples at least every two hours and switching on. Leave in place for 45 minutes each time. You are now prepared for breastfeeding
·Placing food into an electric blender, leaving the lid off and switching on. Keep dropping food into the blender whilst it operates. This gives you a broad idea of what feeding time is like for the first couple of years
·Having a small, restless and demanding creature alternately tied to your leg, hip and shoulder 24 hours a day. A Jack Russell Terrier is a good choice of animal for this exercise
·A visit to a sewage farm on a hot day. The smell should prepare you for the nappy from hell
·Being humiliated in a crowded, public place at least once a day
·Being head butted in the nose and mouth and having your eyeballs prodded with a forefinger several times a day
·Going to an important social extravaganza with wet hair, one eye made up, a tomato sauce / chocolate / miscellaneous slop stain on your dress and wearing odd shoes
·Being denied the opportunity to go unaccompanied to the toilet, take a shower or do anything else that you would normally do alone
·Taking a herd of Wildebeest around a shopping centre, then apologising to the store managers and offering to pay for breakages
·Having your bed used as a trampoline at the crack of dawn, whilst you are still in it
·Bathing a small squid
·Trying to place five live eels into a small, cloth bag simultaneously. This demonstrates the dexterity needed to dress a small child
·Juggling thirty different objects for 12 hours non-stop without dropping any of them
·Being asked a series of awkward and embarrassing questions
·Sitting in a room full of your friends, relatives and work colleagues whilst a loudspeaker broadcasts all the unflattering things that you have said about them recently, with certain details embellished, exaggerated or changed completely to make it sound as awful as possible. This is what small children do
·Going on a five minute walk that takes two hours because you have to stop and inspect every insect, flower, stone, leaf and dog turd en-route to your destination. Every thirty seconds, turn round and start running in the opposite direction
·Attending a school parents' evening and sitting on tiny chairs that cause your knees to smack you under the chin and then being spoken to in a patronising manner without laughing (or crying)
·Admiring a series of children's paintings without asking, "What is it?"
·Throwing all your valuables down the toilet and flushing it. This is another fun game that children play
·Putting the plugs in all of the sinks in the house, turning on the taps and running off to do something else
·Never leaving the house without taking a small suitcase with you
·Being smiled at, laughed at, cuddled and kissed for no particular reason at all
·Being told "I love you" when you're least expecting it
If you manage to endure all of the above, then congratulations, you are ready to become a parent.
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